- Salty Toplocker was no lady, and she'd backhand you across the bar if the wrong person called her one. I don't buy trouble, but I don't mind buying an extra drink or two when that's the alternative. She gave a contented little grunt at her first sip of scorching scrumble, and laid her big but graceful hand with its long sharp lacquered nails over mine.
Salty Toplocker was a large woman, and she hadn't been young for a single minute this decade, but there was no doubt she still had it - rumor had it even Lord Whitecock himself had paid generously for the privilege of walking bowlegged for a week after she was done with him. "Dark . . . fuck . . . princess," had been the cryptic last words of a man found broken and dying a few blocks from her sinister castle of ill repute. The cops said he died smiling, though. We should all be so lucky.
Over the hill? Yeah, that's rich, coming from from a bunch of soft, snotty little chits who couldn't even get up the hill without a ski lift and a Sherpa. Salty didn't stay on top so long by being stupid.
Salty Toplocker is a character in the Dick Booping, PI verse that came out of the Sherlock 221b Con Wank & Sherlock 221b Con Wank 2: The Chafening. The name comes from IvoryLungs/Mannaneedstohush (one of Graceebooks' minions and a proponent of The Johnlock Conspiracy) calling Michi a "salty toplocker." Nonnies took this phrase and ran with it:
- The original thread, including the first ficlet (excerpted above)
- In a "worst date ever" thread, one nonnie claims her as the gold standard of the Better Banging Bureau
- Nonnies discuss what Salty looks like, coming to the conclusion she's either a "Slightly older female Sherlock, I think. With a strap-on." or "Middle-aged plus-size badass Domme who smokes a lot."
- Salty gets a brother, Bitter Bottomcroft...
- ...and a post themed after her:
- And that is where they met Salty Toplocker and Bitter Bottomcroft. Fraternal twins with a distaste for the word cest. Salty is the toppiest top in town. Bitter is the most prolific anon meme commenter. They do everything together except have sex and fight crime. Fighting crime is just so passe."